What Life Has Taught Me About Being Present
I was told my son would never talk.
I want to tell you what he said to me last week.
But first I need to take you back. Because the journey between those two moments is the most important thing I’ve ever lived. And it has everything to do with presence.
The room in Glasgow
A few years ago, while Daniel was going through his autism diagnosis process, I took him to see a private child psychologist in Glasgow.
I was hoping to hear what every parent in that situation hopes to hear. Everything is going to be okay. It’s not as serious as you think.
The environment was clinical and overwhelming. Bright lights, unfamiliar surroundings, a stranger trying to get him to complete tasks he didn’t want to do. For a child like Daniel, who experiences the world so differently, that kind of environment is a lot. He became dysregulated quickly. Distressed.
It was a horrible situation that I was quickly losing control in.
And then, without warning, she gave me her findings from our last three visits. Very matter of fact. He would likely never talk. He would reach a certain developmental point and stop. He would never attend mainstream school.
She just kept going. Clinical fact after clinical fact while Daniel was dysregulated in front of her. I was struggling to support him in that moment and I felt like I was falling apart inside.
I felt like my world was falling apart and I had no control and no hope.
I left in tears.
Who do I need to be
I really struggled after that. A single parent with a son I didn’t really know, didn’t quite understand, and had no idea what his development would look like.
Why me was the thought that went through my head so many times. And this is when my work with the nervous system started and has shaped a huge part of the work I now do.
Until I started to learn how the nervous system worked. How everything in our body is crying out, looking for and so deeply needing safety. I started to understand that Daniel’s reactions, his distress, his dysregulation, weren’t random. They were communications. His body telling the world what his words couldn’t yet say.
And it got me thinking. If I can make Daniel feel as safe as possible, maybe then he can feel comfortable to express himself fully and unapologetically in a world where everything is judged.
So who do I need to be to ensure his complete comfort and safety?
That question changed everything. Because in asking it about Daniel, I had to start asking it about myself too. I started to understand my own triggers, my own responses, my own patterns. The work I was doing to regulate Daniel’s nervous system was the same work I needed to do on my own.
Presence with him taught me presence with myself.
What he said to me last week
The psychologist told me Daniel would likely never talk. That he would reach a certain point and stop.
Daniel can now ask for what he wants. His own dinner. His juice. To go for a walk. He tells me when he’s full, when he’s hungry, when he’s tired. It’s not full sentences but he’s communicating.
And last week he told me when he wanted a cuddle with mummy.
He is becoming the architect of his life. Something I never knew if it would happen or not.
And I am here for every single second of it. Because I am so present with him now that I can identify his triggers, his responses and his reactions sometimes before they even happen. I can always show him safety and love. And because he feels that consistently, he keeps pushing forward.
The development is happening on both sides. As Daniel finds his voice, I’m finding mine. Not in a fitness sense, but in the deepest sense. Understanding myself better. Discovering who I am. Becoming more aware of what I want and how I want to show up in the world.
That’s the thing nobody tells you about presence. It doesn’t just change the people around you. It changes you.
What this has to do with you
Nervous system regulation all comes down to one thing. Awareness of yourself.
Why are you reacting like this? What is the root cause? What is needed? What support and safety does this part of you require?
The women I coach aren’t navigating what I’ve navigated with Daniel. But they are navigating their own version of moving through life without really being in it. Busy. Managing. Getting on with it. Completely disconnected from what is actually happening inside them.
The most common thing I see, the thing that shows up more than any training or nutrition issue, is a woman who has lost touch with herself. Who doesn’t know what she actually wants. Who has been so focused on everyone else that she stopped noticing her own triggers, her own responses, her own needs.
Presence is where that changes.
When you become present you start to hear yourself again. You notice what lights you up and what drains you. You start to regulate your own nervous system rather than just react to everything around you.
I put my phone away at 5pm every evening now. The difference that one decision has made to my headspace is something I wasn’t prepared for. The underlying stress I didn’t even realise I was carrying, the constant low hum of keeping my mind busy with things that don’t actually matter, just gone. Replaced with actual capacity. Actual presence.
It doesn’t have to be complicated.
Where to start
Put your phone away an hour earlier than you normally would. Connect with your kids, understand their personality, allow your friends and loved ones to know you are there for them, fully, without distraction. Take a walk without your headphones. Sit at the end of the day and actually feel the stillness.
Notice what’s actually happening around you and inside you.
That’s presence. And it’s the foundation of everything. It’s when strong relationships are built and life becomes more of a purpose you’re living than something you’re doing.
Where in your life could you be a little more present this week? Leave a comment. I’d genuinely love to know.
And if you don’t want to miss next Friday’s post, drop your email below and I’ll send it straight to your inbox every week.
Emma x