I turned thirty nine this week.
And this is the best I have ever felt in my entire life.
The confidence. The friendships. The physical condition. And this quiet, unshakeable knowing that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.
I didn’t always feel this way. Not even close.
The moment everything changed
When I ask myself what had the biggest impact on getting me here, the answer is always the same.
The moment I put everything for me aside and fought for everything for Daniel.
Daniel is my son. He’s autistic and has global developmental delay. Edinburgh City Council rejected his application to a specialist school, telling me he was disabled but not disabled enough. I took them to tribunal alone. No lawyer, no support. Just a mother with no other option.
I was terrified. I had no idea what I was doing. But Daniel doesn’t have a voice yet. And I didn’t grow up in a childhood smothered in love, safety or comfort. I knew I needed to break that pattern for him.
Through mediation, I won.
Daniel now attends a school built specifically for children with additional needs. He is exactly where he deserves to be.
That was the moment I discovered what I was made of.
What Daniel taught me
Before Daniel I never asked for help. I told myself I could do everything alone. That other people were too busy, too wrapped up in their own lives.
But if I don’t voice how I’m feeling, how does anybody know? If I don’t ask for support, how can anybody support me?
Daniel can’t ask for help in words. He shows me through his emotions what he needs. And watching him I realised I had spent my whole life doing the opposite. Emotions buried. Needs hidden. Support available but never accepted.
It was the women around me, through friendships and EH, who would gradually reflect back what they could see in me, that slowly changed that. I always knew. I just didn’t allow myself to feel it.
Letting people in changed everything.
Look back for once
There’s something I talk about in my coaching called the reverse gap.
We’re always focused on how far we still have to go. But what happens when you turn around and look the other way?
At thirty nine I did that. And what I saw stopped me.
The woman who felt empty and lost. Who took a council to tribunal alone. Who started a business in the first week of lockdown with nothing but belief.
She got here. To the best friendships of her life. To a body she understands. To a son who is thriving. To this quiet knowing that everything is going to be okay.
You don’t need a birthday to do this.
Just turn around for a moment. Look at what you’ve survived, built and fought for.
It is more than you think.
The gap behind you is just as real as the gap in front of you. Sometimes it’s the one worth measuring.
What’s something you’ve achieved or survived that you haven’t given yourself enough credit for?Â
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Emma x